You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
