Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
