I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
