sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
