Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
