eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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