if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
