Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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