Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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