We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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