Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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