If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
