the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
