How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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