Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
