I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
