She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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