my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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