If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
