Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
