OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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