im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
