so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
