You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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