respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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