Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
