Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
