I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
