Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
