if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
