Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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