i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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