Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
