Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
