thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
