Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
