My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
