does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
