Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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