her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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