My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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