the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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