it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
