Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
