i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
