you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
