we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
