he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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