Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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