cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
