i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
