Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
