Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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