the condom got lost in my hair
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
