found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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