i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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