dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
